Long Week for a Holiday

Lots of writing that last week as well as a ton of thinking.  I'll add some randomness from last week.

11/20 -
Woke up thinking of her again.  I wonder what she is doing and how she is doing.  I want to see her but I know she doesn’t want to see me.  That makes me so sad.  I know we are done as a couple I get it.  I really want to be friends again though.  I can’t help thinking that we can be supportive of each there and not have to feel as jilted or alone or shunned.  I do not understand that perspective.  What I feel I do know is that she is probably depressed and not acknowledging it.  I was probably depressed the last year of our partnership and did not realize it.  She didn’t see it either as I think she was focusing on her fears. 

Kayaking trip - I still feel the phobia of open water kayaking.  But I am so glad she pushed me to take that trip with her. There was an element that was really special and I  - even though I was slightly grumpy, I really did have a good time and made forever memories with her there just being together.  Sleeping in the open and hiking and feeling alive together.  It makes sense that I can try to replace that with someone else - but at the same time I don’t want to.  I want to keep them from being bitter-sweet memories and save them for just pleasant memories that don’t haunt me and remind me of loss>sadness>regret>hopelessness and the whole cycle starting again.  It is such an easy slope to slide down.  What are we so capable of depression?  What is it that feeds the soul or mind to feel depressed?  I wonder what evolutionary change created the need for that?  Or is it a generalized feeling when several other feelings merge and combine with sadness? 

So if you were to group feelings that make up depression and then group the ones that make up Love what would that list look like?

Depression -
sadness
regret
hopelessness
mourning
self-doubt
loss of trust
pointlessness
crying
loneliness
confusion
lack of understanding
looking for meaning


Love-
Attraction
connection
hope
admiration
concern
empathy
happiness
laughter
orgasms
desire
intimacy
effort
care
understanding
trust

Maybe that is just me.  Seems so many people can just turn away, or turn off love.  Or maybe not. It appeared to my soulmate that I gave up and that I had turned my head away from love.  It is not that hard to project when you are not aware you are projecting that to your partner.  Could have been prevented is what I keep thinking over and over.