It is strange to re-read my own journal and also this blog. I see a lot of pain in my words and I know at the time it was all very genuine. When I have better days where I am not focused on the loss and not grieving, I am often embarrassed by my earlier out pourings. They are very whoa is me. That is not the type of person I am though. If I dwell on my past for too long I think I get that way. My trick is to allow myself the time to still reflect and even grieve if the emotion swells with in me, but to not allow it to go on for long. I find a trail to hike or exercise to complete or people to meet. I will say that I AM terrified of bumping in to her randomly. Yesterday I was running and swore I was turning the corner and saw her plain as day. Exactly. A doppleganger or something. I could not see her face but everything was the same, cloths, shoes, running gate, hair. I almost had a heart attack. I had to keep going to make sure it was not her and at the time I was so afraid it would be and that I would pass out. If I did would she even stop? Terrifying. My heart did race higher and was well past a healthy redline so once I knew it was not her, I was able to stop and recover, and as quickly as I could continue forward.
So time... everything feels like it just happened and yet I read my past writing and see 75 days have passed. It is just a blip compared to the time we spent together yet it is an eternity. I am a different person than I was then. I know it. I think differently. I feel more openly. I care with more emotion than I ever would have in the past. I act and am that way because it is a waste of a gift to be able to show how much you care when someone has an issue they want to tell you or that they need to tell someone. Those are important moments, maybe not for me, but for them it may be. I always thought I was a god listener and perhaps I was but what I was not good at was feeling moved by what I heard and I understand that old me more to know its ok to feel moved by someone else's honestly or confession or problems. It's Ok
I am more guarded though. More skeptical about relationships that may lead somewhere perhaps. Less trusting even. I won't ever know, or may not ever know, what she felt about certain aspects of me other than the same old issues she raised about "My Walls". Fuck so vague and at the time I accepted that must have been what it was. I think it was something else because I wanted her close but it seemed we kept missing and those were the times I "had my walls up".
So again, time... I am moving as quickly as I reasonably can to heal. I see something I wrote even last week and I am not at that point any longer. Even though I still can weep and grieve over my loss, it does not mean I am as depressed as I felt. It is a little liberating to be able to shed tears and let them fall, draining the well of sorrow just a little bit more slowly.
So if you are at a point that you are feeling hopeless where something you though would work out and it has not. Take time to grieve it but also make time to re-frame your sadness, loneliness, regret, heart-break by getting out of your comfort zone little by little. Discovery of New things and New people is the best way to activate areas in you that desire to learn and motivate you to move forward.
Time heals all wounds eventually.
Things I am doing towards that:
Drum lessons will become beginning band playing (comfort zone)
Voice lessons are new for me (way out of a comfort zone)
Moving out of my home for a short time to change my daily environment
Writing and now starting to try technical writing
Exercise, picking challenges I am not sure I can conquer but know I can try my best (avoid gyms if you are not confident)
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Friday, December 2, 2016
re-reading past entries.
11/20/2016 - journal entry - I am not as down as I was for sure.. interesting to re-read journal entries.
Ugh. SO sad today. SO sad all day wanting to cry, wondering how you are doing IF you feel anything at all? Now even a thank you email suggests hatred towards me - why do I think that? I think I often felt like you were angry at me and I never understood why. Right now I feel as though I need peoples approvals and praise more than ever. I don’t think I post crap for that but It is possible. I see you block me from your posts mostly. I hope you are hiding mine. I have hidden your as well from the feed so that they do not pop up if you make them. If it has been this long and i still feel so sick and broken, why could I not see how much I love you. Or needed you. You were my other half.
I went on a date and I don’t want anyone to be nice or interesting. I want to sabotage it because I am afraid that they might be more. I did not want others it was never really a concept. I did want some things to change between us, but with time they blurred in the background and we never seemed to talk about it. I don’t want to like anyone else, but the images of you are killing me slowly. I feel hopeless in so many “normal” situations. other times I am laughing out loud and seem to be uber happy. Its like I am manic or she turned me bipolar.. I am a little worried she did break me. I fall back into crushing chest pain and panic that I’ll never see you again. Worse than a death but a choice not to, by you.
I need to try to get laid. I know I can find someone who can give me an amazing experience somewhere. When that happens perhaps some of this will fade. The core of US was our friendship, and it is the loss if it which is SOOO hard to cope with. THAT is the stabbing in my chest maybe more than the physical but the emotional lost connection. Well maybe. Confused. Sad. Wishing I could not care like you.
Ugh. SO sad today. SO sad all day wanting to cry, wondering how you are doing IF you feel anything at all? Now even a thank you email suggests hatred towards me - why do I think that? I think I often felt like you were angry at me and I never understood why. Right now I feel as though I need peoples approvals and praise more than ever. I don’t think I post crap for that but It is possible. I see you block me from your posts mostly. I hope you are hiding mine. I have hidden your as well from the feed so that they do not pop up if you make them. If it has been this long and i still feel so sick and broken, why could I not see how much I love you. Or needed you. You were my other half.
I went on a date and I don’t want anyone to be nice or interesting. I want to sabotage it because I am afraid that they might be more. I did not want others it was never really a concept. I did want some things to change between us, but with time they blurred in the background and we never seemed to talk about it. I don’t want to like anyone else, but the images of you are killing me slowly. I feel hopeless in so many “normal” situations. other times I am laughing out loud and seem to be uber happy. Its like I am manic or she turned me bipolar.. I am a little worried she did break me. I fall back into crushing chest pain and panic that I’ll never see you again. Worse than a death but a choice not to, by you.
I need to try to get laid. I know I can find someone who can give me an amazing experience somewhere. When that happens perhaps some of this will fade. The core of US was our friendship, and it is the loss if it which is SOOO hard to cope with. THAT is the stabbing in my chest maybe more than the physical but the emotional lost connection. Well maybe. Confused. Sad. Wishing I could not care like you.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Stumble, stumble, stumble
Stumbling along.
It is December and I still have days where I can only weep (like today) at the loss of my friend and partner. The Well with in us all that can fill with Joy and Sorrow, in me is out of balance and over flowing with sorrow. Having had so much time to review my actions, and my feelings, and patterns over the years, I see how our issues were tiny and completely solvable had we had the ability to clearly see them, and define the baggage we were bringing with us in to our lives together. She is a therapist, we had the tools between us to do that. If I had written out mine I could have given her my loving thoughts and future plans on paper. I was a mess when we met and she helped pull me out of my darkest place and gave me strength. Now in my new lowest darkest place I cannot rely on her and I feel totally alone as a result. It adds a level of despair to my already grieving heart.
At least I am exploring this pain in the hope I grow from it. Its not a noble thing or something to praise, its something I think I have to do to survive this and whatever comes next.
It is December and I still have days where I can only weep (like today) at the loss of my friend and partner. The Well with in us all that can fill with Joy and Sorrow, in me is out of balance and over flowing with sorrow. Having had so much time to review my actions, and my feelings, and patterns over the years, I see how our issues were tiny and completely solvable had we had the ability to clearly see them, and define the baggage we were bringing with us in to our lives together. She is a therapist, we had the tools between us to do that. If I had written out mine I could have given her my loving thoughts and future plans on paper. I was a mess when we met and she helped pull me out of my darkest place and gave me strength. Now in my new lowest darkest place I cannot rely on her and I feel totally alone as a result. It adds a level of despair to my already grieving heart.
At least I am exploring this pain in the hope I grow from it. Its not a noble thing or something to praise, its something I think I have to do to survive this and whatever comes next.
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