re-reading past entries.

11/20/2016 - journal entry - I am not as down as I was for sure..  interesting to re-read journal entries.

Ugh.  SO sad today. SO sad all day wanting to cry, wondering how you are doing IF you feel anything at all?  Now even a thank you email suggests hatred towards me - why do I think that? I think I often felt like you were angry at me and I never understood why.  Right now I feel as though I need peoples approvals and praise more than ever.  I don’t think I post crap for that but It is possible.  I see you block me from your posts mostly.  I hope you are hiding mine.  I have hidden your as well from the feed so that they do not pop up if you make them.  If it has been this long and i still feel so sick and broken, why could I not see how much I love you.  Or needed you.  You were my other half. 

I went on a date and I don’t want anyone to be nice or interesting.  I want to sabotage it because I am afraid that they might be more.  I did not want others it was never really a concept. I did want some things to change between us, but with time they blurred in the background and we never seemed to talk about it.  I don’t want to like anyone else, but the images of you are killing me slowly.  I feel hopeless in so many “normal” situations.  other times I am laughing out loud and seem to be uber happy. Its like I am manic or she turned me bipolar.. I am a little worried she did break me.  I fall back into crushing chest pain and panic that I’ll never see you again.  Worse than a death but a choice not to, by you. 

I need to try to get laid.  I know I can find someone who can give me an amazing experience somewhere.  When that happens perhaps some of this will fade.  The core of US was our friendship, and it is the loss if it which is SOOO hard to cope with.  THAT is the stabbing in my chest maybe more than the physical but the emotional lost connection.  Well maybe.  Confused. Sad. Wishing I could not care like you.