Get over it..

People tell me “you’ll get over it”, “there are plenty of fish and even an app!” etc etc.  I know I will eventually get over her. That is what your brain does to protect you.  It is right now too close, too much of my life was spent loving this one person, and caring for and about her, and her kids, and feeling like a team to just "get over it."  I am not sure why I feel like, even though it is painful, grieving the loss is important and not to rush it too much.  The hard part is to also not dwell too long - which I sometimes do.  So I have to force myself to normalize and regain balance.  It's hard work.

Flash back to a bad day

Flash back to a bad day.

She had a procedure which required sedation so she needed a ride to and from the hospital.  I was of course going to take her, but it was my week with my daughter so I could not sleep with her that night and take her in the morning. I asked what time the appointment was and it was earlier than I expected, and I showed some concerns about making it to her appointment in time.  She suggested I change my routine and drop my daughter off at her cousins extra early and they could feed and get her to school.  I did not like that notion.  I made it work and got my daughter to school on time and did not have to majorly alter my schedule.  I think she felt that she was intruding on MY life, which re-enforced that we had separate lives.  I know I was gruff as we parked as the parking was lame and not clearly marked.  She was all woozy from little sleep and throwing up in the morning so my gruffness was again, - I fear now - something that she felt was her fault.  I had a lot of work to do that day. It was the first day of a major initiative I had been planning for 6 months.  I had to be a participant so I worked from home all day until she needed to be picked up, to which I made sure I was in the waiting room on time. They came called my cell phone but I was already in the waiting room thinking that they wanted me there, they said no go run to get your car and call back so I know when you are outside.  So I did, ran back and drove around.  Annie was wheeled down and was not happy, I assumed from the medication she was likely coming out of, but there was something else there.  There had been a moment when we checked in and the nurse asked if I was her husband, but more like “…and your husband will be picking you up?” gesturing to me. I saw her feel the weight of that question as she mustered the courage to say "no he’s just my boyfriend".  It did not occur to me that it might have had deeper meaning until later.
BREAK UP EMAILS. How fucking lame is that?  I was so mad that she suggested that I was not there for her and because I obviously don’t care that we should go our separate ways.  Livid.  I should have let it rest or called or something.  I see now that she was hurt by my lack of support later that day, but I only reacted and fought.  Those words “we should go our separate ways” were the basis for most of my fears of abandonment.  I always feared that people who loved me would/could leave and this was the second time she said she wanted to leave me.   How could she say that?  Not just a goddamm it get over here please, or I really need a hug.  The fear that She would leave me one day for something small had been present after the first year we were dating when we had strong difficult conversations about marriage.  After those heated and passionate discussions I had in the back of my mind that if she can just call it quits over this then why would being married be that much different? What was it about a ring, that would ease her fears or trust issues?  I felt that a ring or marriage certificate was not a band-aid for our issues.  I am not sure I ever said it that way to her. If I did I know it was not in a collaborative manner but probably defensive and heated. 
The tragic irony for me is that in preparing to get a remodel started, I looked for housing nearby and voila!  We easily could have lived together all of us. I had not plan but it was attainable.  That our simple distance issue could have been resolved so easily is tormenting.  We were really the best when we had each other close.  SO sad.

Long Week for a Holiday

Lots of writing that last week as well as a ton of thinking.  I'll add some randomness from last week.

11/20 -
Woke up thinking of her again.  I wonder what she is doing and how she is doing.  I want to see her but I know she doesn’t want to see me.  That makes me so sad.  I know we are done as a couple I get it.  I really want to be friends again though.  I can’t help thinking that we can be supportive of each there and not have to feel as jilted or alone or shunned.  I do not understand that perspective.  What I feel I do know is that she is probably depressed and not acknowledging it.  I was probably depressed the last year of our partnership and did not realize it.  She didn’t see it either as I think she was focusing on her fears. 

Kayaking trip - I still feel the phobia of open water kayaking.  But I am so glad she pushed me to take that trip with her. There was an element that was really special and I  - even though I was slightly grumpy, I really did have a good time and made forever memories with her there just being together.  Sleeping in the open and hiking and feeling alive together.  It makes sense that I can try to replace that with someone else - but at the same time I don’t want to.  I want to keep them from being bitter-sweet memories and save them for just pleasant memories that don’t haunt me and remind me of loss>sadness>regret>hopelessness and the whole cycle starting again.  It is such an easy slope to slide down.  What are we so capable of depression?  What is it that feeds the soul or mind to feel depressed?  I wonder what evolutionary change created the need for that?  Or is it a generalized feeling when several other feelings merge and combine with sadness? 

So if you were to group feelings that make up depression and then group the ones that make up Love what would that list look like?

Depression -
sadness
regret
hopelessness
mourning
self-doubt
loss of trust
pointlessness
crying
loneliness
confusion
lack of understanding
looking for meaning


Love-
Attraction
connection
hope
admiration
concern
empathy
happiness
laughter
orgasms
desire
intimacy
effort
care
understanding
trust

Maybe that is just me.  Seems so many people can just turn away, or turn off love.  Or maybe not. It appeared to my soulmate that I gave up and that I had turned my head away from love.  It is not that hard to project when you are not aware you are projecting that to your partner.  Could have been prevented is what I keep thinking over and over.

Man-Trap?

I don’t know why I felt like I was being trapped.  Why would this person who loved me try to trap me??  I was clearly afraid of something that was not really going to happen.  So my reluctance to talk, fueled her fear that I was not in love, that I was not hoping for a long loving relationship, that I had a foot out the door.  Nothing was farther from the truth, but I never said that, not that I can recall.  I let her, by my absence of mind, continue to harbor fears and reinforced that insecurity.  Unforgivable thing to do.  I loved her, why could I not see that I was slowly hurting her and driving her away.  If I wanted to be closer and was receiving a cold shoulder, I would leave too.  The fact that she loved me as long as she did is amazing.  I frequently envisioned us together the rest of our lives.  I was fearful of a house full of 3 kids and high mortgage and being very financially exposed after having felt gutted by my divorce. It was understandable to have that experience taint my view point.  Too bad it was not as understood as I thought it was. 

Level setting

I have so many images of her and I rattling around in my head, all smiles really.   There are of course plenty of days with tension and anxiety and fears. Emanating from both of us from our varying perspectives.  Both sides true and real to each of us, just not understood by the other I think.  That created tension and distrust and worst of all I fear it created doubt.  We may have started to have quiet doubts. Doubts about our place in the others life, doubts about the life stretching before us. Doubts about our abilities or fitness for a larger role.  Some of these were self-perpetuating in that one thought reinforced the negative thought in the other person and back and forth.  A spiral in may ways.  She took care to want to have level setting conversations on how “we” were doing.  I did not understand that need to talk as much and early on dismissed it and struggled with that notion.  It took time for me to start to open up and even embrace those discussions.  I see now I should have been more trusting and open about my fears in those moments and not hide them...

Remembering sucks sometimes

I find solace in remembering the many good times I have had with loves of my life.  The two recent being my ex wife and my now ex love.  My current love has given me so much joy over the years.  Much more than I could have hoped I would see again after my divorce.  We were in a unique position to set in motion an incredible bond. We were at the right place at the right time to make each other happy, and to give each other an opportunity to love again and we took it.  I remember being soo nervous when I asked her if I could kiss her, I had every expectation she would say no.  I faced my fear of rejection because I feared I would never have that moment back.  That was important.   What that turned in to was also crucial after not knowing love in a long time. 

Early journal days pt 1

10/24/2016
I can’t shake how slow I feel. Exercise seems to shift my mind away from the pain I feel.  Not sure its pain or if it is anxiety.  I miss her deeply. I should call her, or should have anyway.  Lots of wine on the way tonight, hope it helps some.  A hug would be better.

10/26/2016
Wine was a bad idea that night, drank way too much had to walk home and pass out.  People are starting to notice I am not myself and I am doing my best to put on a show.  Thankfully I have a busy work life and it takes most of my time right now but I am not focusing.  Maybe I can hang at work longer and try to laugh a little more.

10/31/2016 11pm
Halloween is here and I wonder what she was doing tonight, She had the kids, did she walk around with them?  Did she let them stay at her ex-husbands house and stay home alone, or go out on a date? I can’t think about it, I am the zombie in plain clothes tonight.

11/2/2016  11pm
Seeking Healing

Stop looking for love
Stop thinking Love is unattainable
Its not about true love either
Be someone who is capable of loving

Do I give with my heart
Can I recall feeling like I had
I feel like I have given with my whole heart
I know I have lots of love to give
Does it expire

There has to be a expiration date for love
You can not return it to the sender
You can’t box it up and put it on a shelf for later
You have to embrace it and own it and give or receive it
Or lose it

Silly inspirational quote sites suck

I read somewhere on one of those inspirational blogs that people use to try to make a statement about themselves or their struggle. They are easy snippets to “Like” on Facebook.  Not that the struggles are not real, just that the blogs suck for reducing the capacity to have conversations. imo.

Pain makes you stronger
Fear makes you braver
Heartbreak makes you wiser

Awe cute.
It should read:

Accepting that Pain is temporary makes you stronger
Facing Fear makes you braver
Understanding Heartbreak makes you wiser

My hope/concern is:

Overcoming Pain makes you stronger
Overcoming Fear makes you braver
Overcoming Heartbreak makes you guarded

For the target audience of the example at the top, it probably reads true as follows because it is being read after looking for hope:

Succumbing to Pain makes you weaker
Succumbing to Fear makes you more afraid
Succumbing to Heartbreak leaves you full of regret and sorrow

I think I am a mixture of everything.

It has been a while. Lots of things have changed for me. Going to get in to it a bit going forward.