It is strange to re-read my own journal and also this blog. I see a lot of pain in my words and I know at the time it was all very genuine. When I have better days where I am not focused on the loss and not grieving, I am often embarrassed by my earlier out pourings. They are very whoa is me. That is not the type of person I am though. If I dwell on my past for too long I think I get that way. My trick is to allow myself the time to still reflect and even grieve if the emotion swells with in me, but to not allow it to go on for long. I find a trail to hike or exercise to complete or people to meet. I will say that I AM terrified of bumping in to her randomly. Yesterday I was running and swore I was turning the corner and saw her plain as day. Exactly. A doppleganger or something. I could not see her face but everything was the same, cloths, shoes, running gate, hair. I almost had a heart attack. I had to keep going to make sure it was not her and at the time I was so afraid it would be and that I would pass out. If I did would she even stop? Terrifying. My heart did race higher and was well past a healthy redline so once I knew it was not her, I was able to stop and recover, and as quickly as I could continue forward.
So time... everything feels like it just happened and yet I read my past writing and see 75 days have passed. It is just a blip compared to the time we spent together yet it is an eternity. I am a different person than I was then. I know it. I think differently. I feel more openly. I care with more emotion than I ever would have in the past. I act and am that way because it is a waste of a gift to be able to show how much you care when someone has an issue they want to tell you or that they need to tell someone. Those are important moments, maybe not for me, but for them it may be. I always thought I was a god listener and perhaps I was but what I was not good at was feeling moved by what I heard and I understand that old me more to know its ok to feel moved by someone else's honestly or confession or problems. It's Ok
I am more guarded though. More skeptical about relationships that may lead somewhere perhaps. Less trusting even. I won't ever know, or may not ever know, what she felt about certain aspects of me other than the same old issues she raised about "My Walls". Fuck so vague and at the time I accepted that must have been what it was. I think it was something else because I wanted her close but it seemed we kept missing and those were the times I "had my walls up".
So again, time... I am moving as quickly as I reasonably can to heal. I see something I wrote even last week and I am not at that point any longer. Even though I still can weep and grieve over my loss, it does not mean I am as depressed as I felt. It is a little liberating to be able to shed tears and let them fall, draining the well of sorrow just a little bit more slowly.
So if you are at a point that you are feeling hopeless where something you though would work out and it has not. Take time to grieve it but also make time to re-frame your sadness, loneliness, regret, heart-break by getting out of your comfort zone little by little. Discovery of New things and New people is the best way to activate areas in you that desire to learn and motivate you to move forward.
Time heals all wounds eventually.
Things I am doing towards that:
Drum lessons will become beginning band playing (comfort zone)
Voice lessons are new for me (way out of a comfort zone)
Moving out of my home for a short time to change my daily environment
Writing and now starting to try technical writing
Exercise, picking challenges I am not sure I can conquer but know I can try my best (avoid gyms if you are not confident)
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Friday, December 2, 2016
re-reading past entries.
11/20/2016 - journal entry - I am not as down as I was for sure.. interesting to re-read journal entries.
Ugh. SO sad today. SO sad all day wanting to cry, wondering how you are doing IF you feel anything at all? Now even a thank you email suggests hatred towards me - why do I think that? I think I often felt like you were angry at me and I never understood why. Right now I feel as though I need peoples approvals and praise more than ever. I don’t think I post crap for that but It is possible. I see you block me from your posts mostly. I hope you are hiding mine. I have hidden your as well from the feed so that they do not pop up if you make them. If it has been this long and i still feel so sick and broken, why could I not see how much I love you. Or needed you. You were my other half.
I went on a date and I don’t want anyone to be nice or interesting. I want to sabotage it because I am afraid that they might be more. I did not want others it was never really a concept. I did want some things to change between us, but with time they blurred in the background and we never seemed to talk about it. I don’t want to like anyone else, but the images of you are killing me slowly. I feel hopeless in so many “normal” situations. other times I am laughing out loud and seem to be uber happy. Its like I am manic or she turned me bipolar.. I am a little worried she did break me. I fall back into crushing chest pain and panic that I’ll never see you again. Worse than a death but a choice not to, by you.
I need to try to get laid. I know I can find someone who can give me an amazing experience somewhere. When that happens perhaps some of this will fade. The core of US was our friendship, and it is the loss if it which is SOOO hard to cope with. THAT is the stabbing in my chest maybe more than the physical but the emotional lost connection. Well maybe. Confused. Sad. Wishing I could not care like you.
Ugh. SO sad today. SO sad all day wanting to cry, wondering how you are doing IF you feel anything at all? Now even a thank you email suggests hatred towards me - why do I think that? I think I often felt like you were angry at me and I never understood why. Right now I feel as though I need peoples approvals and praise more than ever. I don’t think I post crap for that but It is possible. I see you block me from your posts mostly. I hope you are hiding mine. I have hidden your as well from the feed so that they do not pop up if you make them. If it has been this long and i still feel so sick and broken, why could I not see how much I love you. Or needed you. You were my other half.
I went on a date and I don’t want anyone to be nice or interesting. I want to sabotage it because I am afraid that they might be more. I did not want others it was never really a concept. I did want some things to change between us, but with time they blurred in the background and we never seemed to talk about it. I don’t want to like anyone else, but the images of you are killing me slowly. I feel hopeless in so many “normal” situations. other times I am laughing out loud and seem to be uber happy. Its like I am manic or she turned me bipolar.. I am a little worried she did break me. I fall back into crushing chest pain and panic that I’ll never see you again. Worse than a death but a choice not to, by you.
I need to try to get laid. I know I can find someone who can give me an amazing experience somewhere. When that happens perhaps some of this will fade. The core of US was our friendship, and it is the loss if it which is SOOO hard to cope with. THAT is the stabbing in my chest maybe more than the physical but the emotional lost connection. Well maybe. Confused. Sad. Wishing I could not care like you.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Stumble, stumble, stumble
Stumbling along.
It is December and I still have days where I can only weep (like today) at the loss of my friend and partner. The Well with in us all that can fill with Joy and Sorrow, in me is out of balance and over flowing with sorrow. Having had so much time to review my actions, and my feelings, and patterns over the years, I see how our issues were tiny and completely solvable had we had the ability to clearly see them, and define the baggage we were bringing with us in to our lives together. She is a therapist, we had the tools between us to do that. If I had written out mine I could have given her my loving thoughts and future plans on paper. I was a mess when we met and she helped pull me out of my darkest place and gave me strength. Now in my new lowest darkest place I cannot rely on her and I feel totally alone as a result. It adds a level of despair to my already grieving heart.
At least I am exploring this pain in the hope I grow from it. Its not a noble thing or something to praise, its something I think I have to do to survive this and whatever comes next.
It is December and I still have days where I can only weep (like today) at the loss of my friend and partner. The Well with in us all that can fill with Joy and Sorrow, in me is out of balance and over flowing with sorrow. Having had so much time to review my actions, and my feelings, and patterns over the years, I see how our issues were tiny and completely solvable had we had the ability to clearly see them, and define the baggage we were bringing with us in to our lives together. She is a therapist, we had the tools between us to do that. If I had written out mine I could have given her my loving thoughts and future plans on paper. I was a mess when we met and she helped pull me out of my darkest place and gave me strength. Now in my new lowest darkest place I cannot rely on her and I feel totally alone as a result. It adds a level of despair to my already grieving heart.
At least I am exploring this pain in the hope I grow from it. Its not a noble thing or something to praise, its something I think I have to do to survive this and whatever comes next.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Get over it..
People tell me “you’ll get over it”, “there are plenty of fish and even an app!” etc etc. I know I will eventually get over her. That is what your brain does to protect you. It is right now too close, too much of my life was spent loving this one person, and caring for and about her, and her kids, and feeling like a team to just "get over it." I am not sure why I feel like, even though it is painful, grieving the loss is important and not to rush it too much. The hard part is to also not dwell too long - which I sometimes do. So I have to force myself to normalize and regain balance. It's hard work.
Flash back to a bad day
Flash back to a bad day.
She had a procedure which required sedation so she needed a ride to and from the hospital. I was of course going to take her, but it was my week with my daughter so I could not sleep with her that night and take her in the morning. I asked what time the appointment was and it was earlier than I expected, and I showed some concerns about making it to her appointment in time. She suggested I change my routine and drop my daughter off at her cousins extra early and they could feed and get her to school. I did not like that notion. I made it work and got my daughter to school on time and did not have to majorly alter my schedule. I think she felt that she was intruding on MY life, which re-enforced that we had separate lives. I know I was gruff as we parked as the parking was lame and not clearly marked. She was all woozy from little sleep and throwing up in the morning so my gruffness was again, - I fear now - something that she felt was her fault. I had a lot of work to do that day. It was the first day of a major initiative I had been planning for 6 months. I had to be a participant so I worked from home all day until she needed to be picked up, to which I made sure I was in the waiting room on time. They came called my cell phone but I was already in the waiting room thinking that they wanted me there, they said no go run to get your car and call back so I know when you are outside. So I did, ran back and drove around. Annie was wheeled down and was not happy, I assumed from the medication she was likely coming out of, but there was something else there. There had been a moment when we checked in and the nurse asked if I was her husband, but more like “…and your husband will be picking you up?” gesturing to me. I saw her feel the weight of that question as she mustered the courage to say "no he’s just my boyfriend". It did not occur to me that it might have had deeper meaning until later.
BREAK UP EMAILS. How fucking lame is that? I was so mad that she suggested that I was not there for her and because I obviously don’t care that we should go our separate ways. Livid. I should have let it rest or called or something. I see now that she was hurt by my lack of support later that day, but I only reacted and fought. Those words “we should go our separate ways” were the basis for most of my fears of abandonment. I always feared that people who loved me would/could leave and this was the second time she said she wanted to leave me. How could she say that? Not just a goddamm it get over here please, or I really need a hug. The fear that She would leave me one day for something small had been present after the first year we were dating when we had strong difficult conversations about marriage. After those heated and passionate discussions I had in the back of my mind that if she can just call it quits over this then why would being married be that much different? What was it about a ring, that would ease her fears or trust issues? I felt that a ring or marriage certificate was not a band-aid for our issues. I am not sure I ever said it that way to her. If I did I know it was not in a collaborative manner but probably defensive and heated.
The tragic irony for me is that in preparing to get a remodel started, I looked for housing nearby and voila! We easily could have lived together all of us. I had not plan but it was attainable. That our simple distance issue could have been resolved so easily is tormenting. We were really the best when we had each other close. SO sad.
She had a procedure which required sedation so she needed a ride to and from the hospital. I was of course going to take her, but it was my week with my daughter so I could not sleep with her that night and take her in the morning. I asked what time the appointment was and it was earlier than I expected, and I showed some concerns about making it to her appointment in time. She suggested I change my routine and drop my daughter off at her cousins extra early and they could feed and get her to school. I did not like that notion. I made it work and got my daughter to school on time and did not have to majorly alter my schedule. I think she felt that she was intruding on MY life, which re-enforced that we had separate lives. I know I was gruff as we parked as the parking was lame and not clearly marked. She was all woozy from little sleep and throwing up in the morning so my gruffness was again, - I fear now - something that she felt was her fault. I had a lot of work to do that day. It was the first day of a major initiative I had been planning for 6 months. I had to be a participant so I worked from home all day until she needed to be picked up, to which I made sure I was in the waiting room on time. They came called my cell phone but I was already in the waiting room thinking that they wanted me there, they said no go run to get your car and call back so I know when you are outside. So I did, ran back and drove around. Annie was wheeled down and was not happy, I assumed from the medication she was likely coming out of, but there was something else there. There had been a moment when we checked in and the nurse asked if I was her husband, but more like “…and your husband will be picking you up?” gesturing to me. I saw her feel the weight of that question as she mustered the courage to say "no he’s just my boyfriend". It did not occur to me that it might have had deeper meaning until later.
BREAK UP EMAILS. How fucking lame is that? I was so mad that she suggested that I was not there for her and because I obviously don’t care that we should go our separate ways. Livid. I should have let it rest or called or something. I see now that she was hurt by my lack of support later that day, but I only reacted and fought. Those words “we should go our separate ways” were the basis for most of my fears of abandonment. I always feared that people who loved me would/could leave and this was the second time she said she wanted to leave me. How could she say that? Not just a goddamm it get over here please, or I really need a hug. The fear that She would leave me one day for something small had been present after the first year we were dating when we had strong difficult conversations about marriage. After those heated and passionate discussions I had in the back of my mind that if she can just call it quits over this then why would being married be that much different? What was it about a ring, that would ease her fears or trust issues? I felt that a ring or marriage certificate was not a band-aid for our issues. I am not sure I ever said it that way to her. If I did I know it was not in a collaborative manner but probably defensive and heated.
The tragic irony for me is that in preparing to get a remodel started, I looked for housing nearby and voila! We easily could have lived together all of us. I had not plan but it was attainable. That our simple distance issue could have been resolved so easily is tormenting. We were really the best when we had each other close. SO sad.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Long Week for a Holiday
Lots of writing that last week as well as a ton of thinking. I'll add some randomness from last week.
11/20 -
Woke up thinking of her again. I wonder what she is doing and how she is doing. I want to see her but I know she doesn’t want to see me. That makes me so sad. I know we are done as a couple I get it. I really want to be friends again though. I can’t help thinking that we can be supportive of each there and not have to feel as jilted or alone or shunned. I do not understand that perspective. What I feel I do know is that she is probably depressed and not acknowledging it. I was probably depressed the last year of our partnership and did not realize it. She didn’t see it either as I think she was focusing on her fears.
Kayaking trip - I still feel the phobia of open water kayaking. But I am so glad she pushed me to take that trip with her. There was an element that was really special and I - even though I was slightly grumpy, I really did have a good time and made forever memories with her there just being together. Sleeping in the open and hiking and feeling alive together. It makes sense that I can try to replace that with someone else - but at the same time I don’t want to. I want to keep them from being bitter-sweet memories and save them for just pleasant memories that don’t haunt me and remind me of loss>sadness>regret>hopelessness and the whole cycle starting again. It is such an easy slope to slide down. What are we so capable of depression? What is it that feeds the soul or mind to feel depressed? I wonder what evolutionary change created the need for that? Or is it a generalized feeling when several other feelings merge and combine with sadness?
So if you were to group feelings that make up depression and then group the ones that make up Love what would that list look like?
Depression -
sadness
regret
hopelessness
mourning
self-doubt
loss of trust
pointlessness
crying
loneliness
confusion
lack of understanding
looking for meaning
Love-
Attraction
connection
hope
admiration
concern
empathy
happiness
laughter
orgasms
desire
intimacy
effort
care
understanding
trust
Maybe that is just me. Seems so many people can just turn away, or turn off love. Or maybe not. It appeared to my soulmate that I gave up and that I had turned my head away from love. It is not that hard to project when you are not aware you are projecting that to your partner. Could have been prevented is what I keep thinking over and over.
11/20 -
Woke up thinking of her again. I wonder what she is doing and how she is doing. I want to see her but I know she doesn’t want to see me. That makes me so sad. I know we are done as a couple I get it. I really want to be friends again though. I can’t help thinking that we can be supportive of each there and not have to feel as jilted or alone or shunned. I do not understand that perspective. What I feel I do know is that she is probably depressed and not acknowledging it. I was probably depressed the last year of our partnership and did not realize it. She didn’t see it either as I think she was focusing on her fears.
Kayaking trip - I still feel the phobia of open water kayaking. But I am so glad she pushed me to take that trip with her. There was an element that was really special and I - even though I was slightly grumpy, I really did have a good time and made forever memories with her there just being together. Sleeping in the open and hiking and feeling alive together. It makes sense that I can try to replace that with someone else - but at the same time I don’t want to. I want to keep them from being bitter-sweet memories and save them for just pleasant memories that don’t haunt me and remind me of loss>sadness>regret>hopelessness and the whole cycle starting again. It is such an easy slope to slide down. What are we so capable of depression? What is it that feeds the soul or mind to feel depressed? I wonder what evolutionary change created the need for that? Or is it a generalized feeling when several other feelings merge and combine with sadness?
So if you were to group feelings that make up depression and then group the ones that make up Love what would that list look like?
Depression -
sadness
regret
hopelessness
mourning
self-doubt
loss of trust
pointlessness
crying
loneliness
confusion
lack of understanding
looking for meaning
Love-
Attraction
connection
hope
admiration
concern
empathy
happiness
laughter
orgasms
desire
intimacy
effort
care
understanding
trust
Maybe that is just me. Seems so many people can just turn away, or turn off love. Or maybe not. It appeared to my soulmate that I gave up and that I had turned my head away from love. It is not that hard to project when you are not aware you are projecting that to your partner. Could have been prevented is what I keep thinking over and over.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Man-Trap?
I don’t know why I felt like I was being trapped. Why would this person who loved me try to trap me?? I was clearly afraid of something that was not really going to happen. So my reluctance to talk, fueled her fear that I was not in love, that I was not hoping for a long loving relationship, that I had a foot out the door. Nothing was farther from the truth, but I never said that, not that I can recall. I let her, by my absence of mind, continue to harbor fears and reinforced that insecurity. Unforgivable thing to do. I loved her, why could I not see that I was slowly hurting her and driving her away. If I wanted to be closer and was receiving a cold shoulder, I would leave too. The fact that she loved me as long as she did is amazing. I frequently envisioned us together the rest of our lives. I was fearful of a house full of 3 kids and high mortgage and being very financially exposed after having felt gutted by my divorce. It was understandable to have that experience taint my view point. Too bad it was not as understood as I thought it was.
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